Untitled 11.11

“Love is the most spiritual thing that there is” said Roxane.

Notes on—seasons, fear, love, loss, giving and alignment.

This has been the happiest, most loving and most creative season of my life. This was a year I thought I would not survive. Three months ago, I was at my wits end with life. I didn’t have anything to give. Literally nothing. I didn’t have anything to give to show people I loved them. I didn’t even have time, emotional or spiritually capacity. I was absolutely exacerbated by life.

I remember thinking to myself, life is not suppose to be this painful.

I remember the day my car got repossessed. I was inside a hotel lobby putting a woman up in a hotel who was homeless with her grandchildren, whom I helped find resources for. Something that wasn’t my job, but I automatically moved into action cause that’s what I do. And a day before that I had just given a friend gas money who was on her last.

I don’t know what life is like without giving. I’ve seen it work so many times. But, I do know now that I’m going to more discerning with my giving of everything.

So much was taken away from me and yet and still I constantly gave. I was in jeopardy of losing my apartment, but never got evicted. I lost my car, but never went 24 hours without a car. I honestly was in so much financial distress I thought I might lose my mind.

We don’t talk enough about what financial instability does to your mental health. And how being in a constant state of crisis recalibrates the psyche, changing all your internal/external sensors and senses of safety.

But I will tell anyone and will say it again. I was willing to live in a car, on the street, with a friend to not go back to ANY of them jobs and be disrespected, mistreated and mishandled.

There is nothing I’m not willing to give up to get to joy.

Letting go is terrifying. Pivoting is terrifying. It’s hard to forge out on a path you cannot see. I really don’t believe that fear is ever going to leave you, but pushing through and trusting yourself always. Will never lead you astray. You will not lead you astray.

The reason you’re stuck is because of your unwillingness to be uncomfortable. The reason it’s not getting better is because of your unwillingness to go through a terrible, awful, very bad season.

Although, I don’t wish bad on nobody. And don’t believe you have to go through bad to get to get to good. But you got to be willing to want something different for yourself AND do something about it. You’ve got to be willing to surrender when it’s no longer in your control. You’ve got to be willing to let God and people work on your behalf. You’ve got to push through pain and fear when it’s really uncomfortable. You’ve got to trust yourself.

You don’t have to do what I did. But I want you to trust yourself enough to go through the process. Alone if you have to and let the people around you love on you.

You will always-will always land right where you need to go.

That’s a promise I hope you hold close to your heart.

I’m here as witness to you it gets better.

I went on 13 interviews before a job was created for me. Honestly all the jobs I have now were created for me and did not exist before I appeared. I was talking to my cousin Tori last night and she said, “you are the create a job for you kind of person”. I went from having no jobs to 5 at one point. I went from having no money to being able to save so much money I am able to bless other people. I loss my car and God gave me another car WAY BETTER than my old one. I am traveling and doing all the things I love and enjoy. I am doing work that matters to me and that I love, for Black women and Black community that I absolutely adore and adore me.

My daughter continues to blow me away with her gifts. She’s so smart. She’s testing off the charts in school. And just being the child she was always predestined to be. She ain’t named after Zora Neale Hurston for no reason.

I started losing weight not even on purpose, I didn’t change a thing. But it’s like my sister friend Passuh Dany says, “this is what it looks like to heal energetically align in real time”. My body no longer needs to protect itself with the weight.

I am in total alignment for my life.

The level of manifestation that’s been occurring in my life in this season, I have never seen before. I think about a thing if only for a moment and it happens. That’s cause I was willing. That’s cause I was open. That’s cause I let a lot of the shame go.

I’m willing to create a life on my own, of my own, on my terms, my values. And f- off to the rest.

What started out as the worst year has completely turned around. This year has gotten so good I don’t even want it to end. And it doesn’t have to cause we are all on our own timelines. And time is not as linear as we think. (Y’all might catch that later 😉).

If it was not for friends and community—who paid my rent at one point, loaned me their car for months so I would have a way to take my child to school, paid car notes, sent me money, gave me work or created jobs for me, bought me meals, willingness to take out loans if they had to, advocated for me every chance they could, thought enough to pray for me and kept sowing into my life. I DO NOT KNOW where I would be.

God restores better.

God will turn it around for you.

God will protect you.

When you see me living good, know I have sown good seed. I have paid for it in tears. In giving. In serving.

I am well loved.

And God did it.