I loved him, but he did not want to be loved.
Play and listen along, there’s always more to the story on audio.
A couple of Saturday mornings ago I randomly called my cousin Kevin in Jacksonville and asked him what he was up to that day. I didn’t have Zora and wanted to make some grown a– folks plans. He said come on down cuz, we’re going to brunch. Hello somebody! Cause one thing about me and cuz one thing we gon always do is eat some good a– food.
Sitting around at Kev’s with his besties after brunch, Kevin started talking about Yoda Pebbles, his beloved dog-son. Now let me tell ya’ll this man loves himself some of that damn dog, he craddles, rocks and hugs him like he is changing diapers not picking up poop.
But, then Kevin said before Yoda Pebbles he had another dog someone he cared about had given to him and his voice pained, but talking fast like only Kev can do, “I loved him, but he did not want to be loved.”
He recounted his same devotion he gave to this dog that he gave to Yoda Pebbles and how this dog repelled everything he did for him.
I loved him, but he did not want to BE loved.
That thang set with me so deep my thoughts started swirling for the weeks that followed.
Notes on pleasure, divine femininity/masculinity, romance and love
For this year I decided I would make one thing my priority, experiencing pleasure and joy.
Romance, pleasure, dating all of that good sh-t.
I started by first deadening a dead a– situation from someone who spent a lot of time performing in relationship(and IRL), instead of being in relationship.
I revised my non-negotiables. I wanted to be extra CLEAR about what I wanted and needed and not be afraid to let go what didn’t meet my expectations. Cause one thing I know for sure is whatever you think you’re getting from someone, you can always get it from someone else better and without sacrifice. Compromise, but don’t compromise everything. And don’t you ever MF compromise yourself.
I started masturbating to my own manifestation affirmations on life, career, and love. Now this was new for me…I got the idea from @SexualEssentials after downloading her masturbation manifestation audiobook. But to be honest, it felt odd listening to someone else and I didn’t really connect with it. So, I remembered I had some affirmations recorded from July and babiiee it was ON. Chile Chile Chile! When I say turned all the way TF out, by my own self to my own self. This sh–t was unholy and holy and baby. I just knew I was sacred after that. It’s something about giving yourself positive tangible stimuli to your goals.
I rest. For real rest. I sleep without apology and take naps as often as I need them.
I romance my loved ones on a consistent basis. I send them intentional gifts for just existing, flowers, handwritten letters, waist beads, paypals, text/voice notes, treat them to a night out, watch their children. I plan extraordinary meal experiences for the people I love. I set the mood for them: ambiance just right, music, candles, even their favorite drink just like they like. I study the details of them. And when I’m in their presence I offer my undivided attention and presence. Say their names as often as it comes to me. I let them know I hear them, I see them, I love them. Because love is an act of study and when we give ourselves over to it more is available to us.
I romance myself. I have always been a person that gives freely, but have not always given back to myself with the same abundance. I nourish myself and practice groundings. I take warm long hot showers and gently and lovingly touch my body and talk to her. I plan my outfits from head to toe. I go on vacations and staycations to my favorite places on Earth when the spirit moves me. I take boat rides, massages, dinners, random drives, journal, read, and listen to audibles. I make myself summer romance playlists, go to the ocean, buy myself flowers, lingerie, pretty clothes, and now expensive perfume. I buy myself the expensive things that I once looked at as a luxury before instead of waiting for someone else to buy or do for me.
I have boundaries. The game changer in experiencing pleasure is having and communicating boundaries and planning around said boundaries. I do what I want to do, how I want to do it, when I want to do it without anyone’s permission. I take social media breaks and put my phone on Do Not Disturb, if I don’t feel like answering or responding back I don’t. Since my grandmother died last September, my circle has gotten even tighter, I only talk to about two friends on a regular basis. And it’s not because I don’t love others, I just don’t have the energy to give. I am careful with my energy and my environment. I keep my home, car and office organized and clean. I don’t go around anyone for long that depletes my energy or makes me anxious. I don’t do chaos in any form. Most recently the biggest and hardest boundary of all, I have been able to parent better through the assistance of my sister Ebonie. I am proud to say my five ½ year old baby girl Zora Giovanna is outta my bed and sleeping in her own room all night long with no issues. Okay, a lil whining, but this has been the biggest breakthrough of all. Because having boundaries in small ways like these, helps me to be a better more loving mother I desire to be.
I leave the places that no longer serve me without explanation.
I have learned over and over again how to love myself well.
But there was one thing I was craving, that I could not give to myself, divine masculinity. I have spent so much time intimately identifying and practicing my divine femine I embody her. It exudes from my aura.
I truly enjoyed my own company, but I wanted to share it with someone else. And just like God when I opened myself over to asking, wanting and believing it was possible it came. It came better than I imagined it would. It came packaged with ease, safety, patience, exploration, deep joy, pleasure, physical and mental intimacy. Someone uninterested in taking from me, but pleasing me out of abundance not lack. Someone pouring back into me, instead of just me pouring out. I don’t have to play small, cause that passion and drive sh-t turns him on. It’s been things I thought I could only fantasize about come into reality. And I know now it wasn’t just timing. It was me. It was me who changed and knew how to walk in her own power and prowess. It was me who chose to only deal with men that meet my expectations, know their own power, have boundaries, do their own soul work and open and available to being loved by me.
I loved him, but he did want to be loved.
I have come to realize that so many of us want to be loved, but have not created healthy foundations within self and environment to make ourselves open and available to it. Or when a glimmer of love-hope comes along we settle for the first sights and delusionally make them into whom we want them to be. Or we don’t enjoy folks for what they are intended to be in our lives. Sometimes we make friends into lovers, lovers into partners, and partners into the helpmates they were never destined to be. We don’t spot the signs, the symptoms, the red flags and patterns that are always there.
A lot of us struggle with tapping into our own divine feminine or masculine because of history: old wounds, tapes and feeling plain unsafe inside ourselves.
We’ve been in community with folks that dishonor us. Sometimes without our permission.
But, being with people who give you romance, pleasure and protection that is not sexual is so important too. And it has healed me in a lot of ways.
Especially receiving it from Black men. As someone who’s been sexually abused at the hands of numerous Black men throughout my lifetime; protection, love and respect from them hits differently.
It gives me back my own autonomy-my own power and control.
Knowing I can have the highest level of joy and pleasure in community with them has been freeing and mf euphoric.
I move throughout the world differently loving Black men and knowing this. When I’m with Black men now, I feel safe and loved.
It’s taken me years of practice to undo, to unlearn and relearn from the old ways that once often trapped and traumatized me. But I am actively seeking, actively defining and refining what all of these things mean to me. I get to choose how I show up and what shows up for me.
I know now I don’t ever want to love another person, place or thing that’s not open to being loved by me.
I decided to rewrite and rewire my thoughts and behaviors to trust and believe in romance, pleasure and love that’s easy. Because easy is what I need.
My prayer today is that we believe real love, deep pleasure and intimacy is accessible to us. That we are all more gentle with the souls of ourselves and others. That we give way for soft places to ground and land. That we learn to model the softness that we all crave even if we’ve never experienced it before.
Make yourself open and available to the romance, pleasure and love we all deserve.
Seek pleasure as often as it comes to you. Knowing pleasure can be found in absolutely anything. A good meal. A good book. A melody. A workout. A dance. A sensual selfie. A laugh. A cry. A conversation. Taking the time to rub your own body down. All that sh-t is orgasmic and erotic if you’re doing it right.
You are a GD goddess.
You are a GD king.
And that you have full authority to change your requirements for being with you. Treat and love yourself so well, that they don’t have a doubt that every time they come in your presence is a GD honor and f–ing with you is a privilege.