Listen and read along
Everything about me has changed.
Every single thing about me, has changed.
From the way I talk, to the way I listen, to the way I see myself in the mirror.
Every single thing about me has changed.
My intentions, my purpose, my beliefs have been cemented. More sure now than ever before. That resistance must meet me in the face. And it is now my choice to inhabit/inherit this space.
I reside here.
These growing pains are not easy. Much of this work has felt like a painful irreplaceable loss. But I know I don’t want the hurt back. I want to be open to receive all that is good. All that is now(Apollo) orbiting in this higher plane of life. It is a new function. A new way of being in the world.
I remember on the morning of June 29th driving into work, I asked God for a tangible sign. I got three.
The first was an Earth, Wind, Fire song, Can’t Hide Love.
The second was a butterfly.
The third was a grasshopper.
I knew these signs in my gut.
The rhythm of Can’t hide love came to me in the shower in my hotel room in St. Pete. The beat kept playing over and over again in my head and I couldn’t place it. (hmmmmm)….I played every EWF song I could find until I found the one. Can’t Hide Love reminded me, that I’ve got so much love to give, that I should not deny nor control it. Keep giving out as much as I can, as often as I can. That I’ve got enough love to give back to myself. And that I’ve got to be open to receive that much more in return.
Sitting on the balcony in Sedona, a black and yellow butterfly flew up to us and just wouldn’t go away. I welcomed it’s arrival. It’s significance to me was the encapsulation of my metamorphosis and change. Sedona was my coming out party of sorts. It was the physical birth of the full transition of my internal transformation.
In the pitch blackness of a warm wednesday night driving from my mom’s house a green grasshopper hopped onto the front of my SUV and held on for dear life. I mean no matter the turns I took it on, or the way the wind whipped it’s behind, it kept holding on. I looked it up. Grasshoppers mean luck, abundance, courageousness, resourcefulness, insight, peace, patience, fertility, intuition, vibrancy, stability, security, solidarity, balance, freedom, joy, honor and creativity. Aided with an ability to move forward only, it suggests advance thinking and enlightenment. It let me know that better was coming.
An internal spiritual awakening had taken place and I had transitioned. Leaned into my arrival and being on this planet.
I felt it in my body. My back stood straight up and did not curve. My voice changed. More sure, confident is a MF. Not ego or emotion driven. But sure. Not even thinking the same way. An ability to see + take ownership and not blame. To firmly see my own shadows and know it’s malign nature. To separate them from anybody else’s shit. Not a victim of my circumstances. But willing to make the hard, but necessary changes.
I have choices. And ain’t nobody doing shit to me that I ain’t chose for myself.
My new self emerged because I was willing to see myself.
To observe and listen, not from my own wounds but the pain of someone else’s.
My new self emerged because I was willing to disengage, build boundaries, confront and ask for what I want.
I know what I want, how I want it, and it’s picture is as clear to me as it is sweet and pure.
And yet there is mourning. There is sadness even, about my old life. About how I use to operate and use to practice, even if it is no longer serving me. It was me. And I hurt for her too.
To be honest, I watch me in my life now and see her and I have felt the depression and the darkness follow me about my old way of being.
I have given myself permission to mourn her loss, the birth and the growing pains.
That I no longer am malleable, that I no longer have the ability to shape shift.
I’m coming to terms with the bigness of my life.
Some days I struggle with the resentment I feel for wishing I could choose the smaller, lesser life. The acknowledgement of knowing it does not belong to me. I have the ability to choose differently now, because I know more now. I don’t get to rest on small. I must be deliberate in rising up to the big.
I have outgrown and outpaced every single thing in my life. My marriage, my friendships, my family and my job. And sometimes that feels burdensome and heavy. A job too big for me to handle. A life too big for me to know. But I know. I know how this happened.
I decided to choose life and it choose me back. And all that was loss will not be found.
I am coming to terms with the bigness of my life, the bigness of my soul.
Let me affirm for you this.
Something big here is happening. And it is not just for me. It is for all of us. It is for the world. You feel the heaviness and the weariness. But also the pressure of the newness that is bound to arrive. The newness is here and there ain’t no room for you to hold on to the old. Your subscious is saying no, no we are familiar here. But you ain’t familiar here. This shit is UNCOMFORTABLE. Let me go.
Your environment is not moving at a fast enough rate to meet you in your internal life. And you will be frustrated. You are at the point now where you must lean in (and) or push through.
You will attract now what and who you are. Some people will evolve with you and will learn to love you through your seasons and others will not.There are some people that must be left behind. Let them go!
Get comfortable now with necessary endings and give yourself permission to mourn these losses as they are surely to come, as you are surely to grow.
There are some places that have served it’s purpose and now it’s time is complete. And no matter what you do. No matter how soft and gentle you are you need a clean and hard break from it. Because if not it’s going to break you. It’s going to break you into a million little pieces this time and you will not be able to recover. Release yourself from it. If you do not break away, you will be released from it without your choice.
Things are happening so fast and everything feels urgent, because it is. Your body will catch up and this feels like overdrive, because it is. And as my dear sister Kaneisha says you’ve got to bend with the curves.
Although bumpy, this is your butterfly, your grasshopper, the earth, the wind, and the fire. It is without a doubt an emergency, your emerging waiting for your arrival to serve the highest plane on this planet.
Your heart deserves that.
You deserve that.
You have been firmly rooted, repotted in good soil.
Your foundation is good.
You are a willing participant in your life and you are not just going along for the ride.
You are ready and you are fully
You have been recoded.